Parliament
debates the Breastfeeding in Public Places Bill
Wellington
list MP Felicity Flat today got into a slanging match with the Hon Gerry
Roundtree, who supports the Bill to allow breastfeeding in public places.
Responding
to an interjection from Mr Roundtree, Miss Flat pointed a bony finger at
Parliament’s most corpulent member and shrieked, “Look at him. That’s what too
much breastfeeding does. He was born in the golden age of the 1960s and breast-fed
and spoon fed all the way to high school. It’s no wonder the earth tremors
everywhere he goes. Look at him. Do we want all New Zealanders to grow up
looking like Gerry Roundtree? Just think of the affect that would have on our exports
of primary produce and the balance of trade. The nation would be eating,
drinking and sucking its way into bankruptcy, if we were all like Mr Roundtree
. . .”
“Well, at least the nation would be happy,” Mr
Roundtree interjected, “And I can see that the Member is habitually unhappy and
I can see why. She thinks Roundtree is an apt name for me, and I think Flat is
an apt name for her . . .”
“Order,
order!” Mr Speaker bellowed.
Mr
Roundtree resumed his seat, but the Hon Judith Crusher immediately flew into
the attack.
“My
police force is far too stretched to be wasting valuable time on tit bits while
real criminals are running riot.”
“Order,
order! The Minister is cautioned for the use of un-parliamentary terms. Tit
bits are not appropriate in this Chamber.”
“As
I was about to say, Mr Speaker, before being interrupted by the crusher and the
tree-stump, I’m older, wiser and leaner than them. I was born during World War
Two when there was rationing . . . “
“Did
they ration brains too?”
“That
didn’t happen until the 1960s when brains were given the squeeze by fat between
the ears. Mr Speaker, during World War Two everything was rationed and that’s
why I’m as skinny as grasshopper on a diet. Yes, I’m flat by nature and Flat by
name. There was no breastfeeding in our house. We got by on the smell of oil-less
rag. It is a well-known fact that the Prime Minister of the day once privately
admitted that because all the suckers were away at the war, he had no option
but to commandeer all breast milk for the war effort. I’m living proof of that.
Mr Speaker, I oppose the passage of this Bill. Allowing breastfeeding in public
places will be the thin end of the wedge . . .”
“Your’s
are probably like thin wedges.”
“Mr
Speaker, I give notice that on the next sitting day, I intend to move an
amendment to the Bill . . .”
“She’s
either for the Bill or against the Bill.”
“I’m
against the Bill, Mr Roundtree and I’m going to save this country, one way or
another, from the two big O’s – Obscenity and obesity. I will have the
principal bill amended so that, if it is passed into law, it will as useless,
to use a term the Member is sure to understand, as useless as breasts on a
bull. My amendment will limit the size of breasts seen in public. Breastfeeding
in public places will be permissible only when the breast is small enough to
fit completely inside the baby’s mouth, Mr Speaker.”
