I HAVE A SCHEME

A preview of President Donald Trump’s inaugural speech

IMPORTANT NOTICE: This document has been made available to a selected few people for their feedback only. It should not be shared or posted publicly before the inaugural address is delivered in January 2017. If you have received this classified document in error, you should immediately destroy/delete it without reading it or discussing its contents with any person whatsoever.

My fellow Americans, I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest presidential inauguration address in the history of the world.

Four score and ten years ago my father, Frederick Christ Trump, in whose shadow I stand today, was arrested while engaged in a New York riot while wearing a uniform of the KKK. My father knew who should be on which side of the tracks. My father became a momentous great beacon light of hope to the millions that he owed to banks when he overstated his building costs and was investigated by a US Senate committee in 1954 and found to have overcharged by $3.7 million. My father, Fred Christ Trump, was the world’s greatest mentor. Without his inspiring mentorship I could never have learned to make billions while paying no tax.

My fellow Americans, I have a scheme.

I have a scheme that will outlaw taxation, all taxation and every form of taxation, for those who contribute the most to this great nation’s economic well-being by employing workers and producing the nation’s electronics, air services, hotels, casinos, and the contractors who will build and run the thousands of extra prisons that will be needed in the future. Prison will be prison, an eye will be an eye, a tooth will be a tooth, and the Clintons will be incarcerated for three life sentences each.

I have a scheme.

Former Presidents Obama and Lincoln will be removed from America’s official list of famous leaders and sent to a hall of shame along with that Bible bashing Martin Luther King, although I do acknowledge that he had a damned good speech writer. My fellow Americans, the Negro now has too much freedom. Some of them even live in houses and most are rapists, and I pledge to send them all back to China where they came from.

I have a scheme.

In a sense I’ve come to our great nation’s capital to cash your check. When the architects of our republic wrote the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence they were signing a promissory note made out to President Donald J Trump, and when the note has been cashed I will run this nation like a business, like a Trump business, and I will, by presidential decree, suspend the Constitution of the United States of America. I will create a great new nation which shall be known as the United States of Trump. On the advice of my esteemed friend Betty Windsor, I pledge to create the Kingdom of Trump.

My fellow Americans, I have a scheme.

The unalienable right to life, liberty, justice and the pursuit of happiness will not apply to Mexicans, Muslims, Negros, democrats, immigration agents, and political agitators because they will be on the other side of the wall which they will pay for. And pay they will. Any check that comes back marked “insufficient funds” will lead to an immediate execution of the guilty one without right of appeal. And they will build the wall, even if they have to build it using chips from a bankrupt casino. They will build the wall, with the hard labor help of the imprisoned Clintons, they will build the wall. It will be a greater wall than the one in China.

I have a scheme.

From this day forward, America will be raised from the dark and desolate valley of taxation and accountability to the sunlit path of Trump supremacy and the outlawing of business bankruptcy for evermore. Now is the time when the quicksands of business bankruptcy will be replaced by a rock-solid business brotherhood. Jesus was the second name on my father’s birth certificate. I am the son of God. My disciples will be my cabinet.

Now as your ruler, I am not unmindful that some of you have had great trials and tribulations during the sweltering heat of the campaign, but now the Clintons will soon be locked away and I won’t ever again be asked to make public my tax returns, and tranquillity shall reign throughout the land.

Preacher King said we cannot walk alone, but that was fifty years ago, when I was starting my first business with my daddy’s millions. Now I can walk alone. The Republican Party won’t walk with me, but who cares? I can walk on water if I have to. Even though I have faced the most serious allegations during my life, I still have a scheme. It is a scheme deeply rooted in the American scheme. Yes, I have a scheme. It is the scheme that one day very soon all male, white Americans will be born equally tax free. I have a scheme that the tenements of the New York slums will be subjected to rent hikes to offset the losses of all the other Trump enterprises, both failed and failing.

I have a scheme.

I have a scheme that this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal except aliens, darkies and pussies. So let us not wallow in the valley of despair, my friends . . . 

As your President, I have many presidential prerogatives to propagate and I must bring this great inaugural address to a close. I will address you again in four years, and again eight years, but meanwhile I have an important appointment with the Ellen Degenerate Show. Thank you, my fellow Americans, and don’t forget I have a scheme for everything.