SANTA AT THE SOUTH POLE

Christmas 2066 will be a Christmas like no other

The Church of Climate Change (CCC) has been spreading this alarming warning for years. Every year since late last century they have been predicting that global warming will force many changes on the world if humanity is to survive.

Finally, it has happened. Santa has announced that as from 2066 he will no longer be able to operate from the North Pole due to the total melting of the ice cap that sat securely over the Arctic Ocean for thousands of years. Instead, Santa will relocate his charity to the South Pole where it will become a land based operation.

When asked about the future of his reindeers, the tubby old gentlemen chuckled for a moment before turning serious. “That could be a major problem,” he said. “If they can’t fly through the warm southern air, I may have to try penguin power. I understand penguins are more suited to the southern terrain than reindeer. We’ll just have to wait and see. Ho ho ho.”

Some observers have claimed Santa’s move to the South Pole is the most significant event in world history since William the Conqueror routed the English a thousand years ago, in 1066.

But the Church of Climate Change have claimed many of their other predictions have been accurate too. They say they warned the world that all motor vehicles had to scrapped by 2020, and all electricity had to be turned off by 2025, if humanity was to survive. 

Governments everywhere ignored all the warnings until it was too late, they say.

The United States, Russia and the European Union did not act until 2048, and only because someone discovered a 1948 first edition copy of George Orwell’s science-fiction novel 1984. The politicians suddenly sat up and took notice, but it was already too late. Economic chaos gripped the world leaving billions unemployed and starving.

It took a Trump to come up trumps with a brilliant idea to hide the bodies. US President Donald Trump Junior, son of the president who was impeached in 2017, devised a plan with the military to bury the bodies deep in space using solar-powered spacecraft. It is rumoured that when presidential candidate Chelsea Clinton heard of the program, she prepared to spill the beans in a major campaign announcement. Trump is believed to have silenced her with a seat on the first flight into space. She hasn’t been seen since 2049.

Meanwhile, due to climate policy the population of the world has been reduced to just under half a billion. For those with an income, a cave can be rented for US$10,000 a week and a wealthy Mongolian, who has a dozen caves for tenants, has just invented a thing he calls a wheel.

However, the state of the world and the reduced population must be a blessing for the aging Santa. He won’t need to work nearly as hard as in the old days.

OSAMA BIN LADEN ALIVE

BREAKING NEWS!

Osama bin Laden living in South America

Decoy half-brother killed by US SEALS

From BREAKINGSPEWS

Reports are coming in that Osama bin Laden, the former leader of the al Qaeda terrorist organization, has been found living in a middle-class Rio de Janeiro suburb. He is reported to have fled Pakistan just hours before the US mounted Operation Neptune Spear to kill him and may have been tipped off.

Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden means son of Mohammed, son of Awad, but to America he was their most wanted a son-of-a-bitch. Osama was born on March 10, 1957, in Saudi Arabia and it was believed that he died in his secret mansion in Abbottabad, Pakistan, on May 2, 2011. But that history has been debunked. Bin Laden, the great survivor, has triumphed again and made fools of the West and President Obama.

However, opinions vary on how Osama learned of the SEAL raid with some sources suggesting that Osama and Obama are cousins, and that Obama may have been the one who tipped off Osama about the raid.

Osama’s half-brother, Dum bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden, now seems certain to be the one that was killed during the SEAL operation. He hasn’t been seen since 2011.

Meanwhile, the former First General Emir of Al Qaeda now lives a quiet life in Brazil as Shamus O’Toole with two of his six wives and seven of his 26 children.

He is now clean-shaven and has had his legs shortened. Bin Laden was previously 6' 4". He works as a security consultant and has converted to Catholicism.

I HAVE A SCHEME

A preview of President Donald Trump’s inaugural speech

IMPORTANT NOTICE: This document has been made available to a selected few people for their feedback only. It should not be shared or posted publicly before the inaugural address is delivered in January 2017. If you have received this classified document in error, you should immediately destroy/delete it without reading it or discussing its contents with any person whatsoever.

My fellow Americans, I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest presidential inauguration address in the history of the world.

Four score and ten years ago my father, Frederick Christ Trump, in whose shadow I stand today, was arrested while engaged in a New York riot while wearing a uniform of the KKK. My father knew who should be on which side of the tracks. My father became a momentous great beacon light of hope to the millions that he owed to banks when he overstated his building costs and was investigated by a US Senate committee in 1954 and found to have overcharged by $3.7 million. My father, Fred Christ Trump, was the world’s greatest mentor. Without his inspiring mentorship I could never have learned to make billions while paying no tax.

My fellow Americans, I have a scheme.

I have a scheme that will outlaw taxation, all taxation and every form of taxation, for those who contribute the most to this great nation’s economic well-being by employing workers and producing the nation’s electronics, air services, hotels, casinos, and the contractors who will build and run the thousands of extra prisons that will be needed in the future. Prison will be prison, an eye will be an eye, a tooth will be a tooth, and the Clintons will be incarcerated for three life sentences each.

I have a scheme.

Former Presidents Obama and Lincoln will be removed from America’s official list of famous leaders and sent to a hall of shame along with that Bible bashing Martin Luther King, although I do acknowledge that he had a damned good speech writer. My fellow Americans, the Negro now has too much freedom. Some of them even live in houses and most are rapists, and I pledge to send them all back to China where they came from.

I have a scheme.

In a sense I’ve come to our great nation’s capital to cash your check. When the architects of our republic wrote the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence they were signing a promissory note made out to President Donald J Trump, and when the note has been cashed I will run this nation like a business, like a Trump business, and I will, by presidential decree, suspend the Constitution of the United States of America. I will create a great new nation which shall be known as the United States of Trump. On the advice of my esteemed friend Betty Windsor, I pledge to create the Kingdom of Trump.

My fellow Americans, I have a scheme.

The unalienable right to life, liberty, justice and the pursuit of happiness will not apply to Mexicans, Muslims, Negros, democrats, immigration agents, and political agitators because they will be on the other side of the wall which they will pay for. And pay they will. Any check that comes back marked “insufficient funds” will lead to an immediate execution of the guilty one without right of appeal. And they will build the wall, even if they have to build it using chips from a bankrupt casino. They will build the wall, with the hard labor help of the imprisoned Clintons, they will build the wall. It will be a greater wall than the one in China.

I have a scheme.

From this day forward, America will be raised from the dark and desolate valley of taxation and accountability to the sunlit path of Trump supremacy and the outlawing of business bankruptcy for evermore. Now is the time when the quicksands of business bankruptcy will be replaced by a rock-solid business brotherhood. Jesus was the second name on my father’s birth certificate. I am the son of God. My disciples will be my cabinet.

Now as your ruler, I am not unmindful that some of you have had great trials and tribulations during the sweltering heat of the campaign, but now the Clintons will soon be locked away and I won’t ever again be asked to make public my tax returns, and tranquillity shall reign throughout the land.

Preacher King said we cannot walk alone, but that was fifty years ago, when I was starting my first business with my daddy’s millions. Now I can walk alone. The Republican Party won’t walk with me, but who cares? I can walk on water if I have to. Even though I have faced the most serious allegations during my life, I still have a scheme. It is a scheme deeply rooted in the American scheme. Yes, I have a scheme. It is the scheme that one day very soon all male, white Americans will be born equally tax free. I have a scheme that the tenements of the New York slums will be subjected to rent hikes to offset the losses of all the other Trump enterprises, both failed and failing.

I have a scheme.

I have a scheme that this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal except aliens, darkies and pussies. So let us not wallow in the valley of despair, my friends . . . 

As your President, I have many presidential prerogatives to propagate and I must bring this great inaugural address to a close. I will address you again in four years, and again eight years, but meanwhile I have an important appointment with the Ellen Degenerate Show. Thank you, my fellow Americans, and don’t forget I have a scheme for everything.

BREASTFEEDING IN PUBLIC

Parliament debates the Breastfeeding in Public Places Bill

Wellington list MP Felicity Flat today got into a slanging match with the Hon Gerry Roundtree, who supports the Bill to allow breastfeeding in public places.

Responding to an interjection from Mr Roundtree, Miss Flat pointed a bony finger at Parliament’s most corpulent member and shrieked, “Look at him. That’s what too much breastfeeding does. He was born in the golden age of the 1960s and breast-fed and spoon fed all the way to high school. It’s no wonder the earth tremors everywhere he goes. Look at him. Do we want all New Zealanders to grow up looking like Gerry Roundtree? Just think of the affect that would have on our exports of primary produce and the balance of trade. The nation would be eating, drinking and sucking its way into bankruptcy, if we were all like Mr Roundtree . . .”

 “Well, at least the nation would be happy,” Mr Roundtree interjected, “And I can see that the Member is habitually unhappy and I can see why. She thinks Roundtree is an apt name for me, and I think Flat is an apt name for her . . .”

“Order, order!” Mr Speaker bellowed.

Mr Roundtree resumed his seat, but the Hon Judith Crusher immediately flew into the attack.

“My police force is far too stretched to be wasting valuable time on tit bits while real criminals are running riot.”

“Order, order! The Minister is cautioned for the use of un-parliamentary terms. Tit bits are not appropriate in this Chamber.”

“As I was about to say, Mr Speaker, before being interrupted by the crusher and the tree-stump, I’m older, wiser and leaner than them. I was born during World War Two when there was rationing . . . “

“Did they ration brains too?”

“That didn’t happen until the 1960s when brains were given the squeeze by fat between the ears. Mr Speaker, during World War Two everything was rationed and that’s why I’m as skinny as grasshopper on a diet. Yes, I’m flat by nature and Flat by name. There was no breastfeeding in our house. We got by on the smell of oil-less rag. It is a well-known fact that the Prime Minister of the day once privately admitted that because all the suckers were away at the war, he had no option but to commandeer all breast milk for the war effort. I’m living proof of that. Mr Speaker, I oppose the passage of this Bill. Allowing breastfeeding in public places will be the thin end of the wedge . . .”

“Your’s are probably like thin wedges.”

“Mr Speaker, I give notice that on the next sitting day, I intend to move an amendment to the Bill . . .”

“She’s either for the Bill or against the Bill.”

“I’m against the Bill, Mr Roundtree and I’m going to save this country, one way or another, from the two big O’s – Obscenity and obesity. I will have the principal bill amended so that, if it is passed into law, it will as useless, to use a term the Member is sure to understand, as useless as breasts on a bull. My amendment will limit the size of breasts seen in public. Breastfeeding in public places will be permissible only when the breast is small enough to fit completely inside the baby’s mouth, Mr Speaker.”

  

QUESTIONS OVER QANTAS

QANTAS to Push Out Airbus A380 Deliveries

What is happening at QANTAS? Is the Australian flag carrier still in trouble?

This appeared in AirwaysLive by Montague Smith.

MIAMI — According to a report from the Australian Business Traveler(AUSBT) QANTAS Airways CEO Alan Joyce said the carrier doesn’t want the remaining eight Airbus A380s on order, as the current super jumbo fleet is enough to meet the existing demand.

During the CAPA Australia Pacific Aviation Summit 2016 in Brisbane, Joyce admitted that the carrier’s intention is to “not taking those aircraft.”

Back in 2008, QANTAS was one of the first Airbus A380 customers, with an order placed for 20 aircraft. To date, 12 aircraft have been delivered. The airline has been pushing back the delivery of the remaining planes over two years now, joining other carriers including Air France, which has dropped an order for two, Air Austral, which discarded the plans to acquire two A380s previously ordered in 2009.

Virgin Atlantic, another A380 customer, has also pushed back the deliveries of six superjumbos on order. In the recent Farnborough Airshow, Virgin Group founder and figurehead Richard Branson stated at that time that the carrier is “still evaluating for the future whether or not to take delivery [of the A380s].”

Qantas operates its 484-seat A380s on routes from Sydney and Melbourne to London via Dubai, and to Hong Kong, Dallas and Los Angeles.

In its most recent forecast, Airbus predicted that 1,480 Very Large Aircraft (VLA) will be needed in the next 20 years. The airframer is still confident in the future of the superjumbo.

The recent cancellations leave Dubai-based Emirates as the main customer of the aircraft, with an order account equivalent to about 50% of the current production backlog.

OLYMPIC CITY

Billions could be saved with a permanent Olympic city state

From Peter Blakeborough's Blog

There will never be an end to the waste, cost overruns and the failed political and economic dreams of Olympic host cities, until a permanent Olympic city state is created and made available for all world sporting events.

Once established, a permanent site could generate a surplus of funds that would enable smaller nations and less well-off sports and sports people to participate. Ideally, the site would be situated in northern Europe, northern Asia, or North America in a locality where both the summer and winter climates are reliable. It would also have to be a locality with suitable geography.

Many countries have successful and attractive purpose-built capital cities. That concept has always worked well. Now it is time for the world to build a completely new city state as the world sporting capital.  Transforming an existing city in the territory of an existing country would be a bad compromise that would be bound to fail for political reasons. It would only result in the site having to relocate again and again, as it does now.

While such a city state would likely be surrounded by another country it would have to be independent of that country with its own government, elected parliament, border protection and international airport, and everything else that goes with an independent state.  For the nation giving up a slice of its territory, there would be huge benefits with trade, business and employment. But the new city state would have to be assured of political independence for the concept to work. And ideally it would not be the IOC that would have governmental control of the new city state, but the elected representatives of the citizens of the new state after founding support from the UN and the participating countries.

The funds required for establishing the new city and venues could be met by the participating nations, who would also share the benefits and the profits. A permanent Olympic city could also become the world’s most successful tourist city, and the ultimate place to do business, to be in employment, or to raise a family. The spin-offs could be astronomical.

So why not make that place the place where it all began so long ago? Unfortunately, Greece does not meet the reliable year round climatic conditions. The winters are too mild. The site must have reliable summer and winter conditions with terrain that is both level and sloping, areas suitable for water events, and rural spaces suitable for building a major city with all that that entails.

Some people have suggested that two sites are needed. For example, the Summer Olympics could be held in Greece and the Winter Olympics in Canada. But in this case two are not going to live cheaper than one, and building one Olympic city and state from scratch will be a major undertaking on its own.

To quote the Washington Post, “The Olympics are bad for cities. So why do we keep asking new places to invest billions of dollars in state-of-the-art stadiums they’ll never use again?” The Post continues with, “The Summer Olympics are one of the biggest spectacles in the world, and come with a hefty price tag. Hosting the Games demands major urban infrastructural investment, new or expensively upgraded sporting venues, and housing for 10,000 athletes (plus thousands of spectators). As the German economist Holger Preuss has shown, this crowds out other forms of public investment, such as spending on education and social welfare that may better serve the long-term needs of citizens.” 

Hosting the Olympics is a dream-boom and a reality-bust business and most host cities later regret having taken up the challenge.

It is often claimed that hosting the Olympics is good for tourism. But, while there may be some possible long-term gains for tourism, this is doubtful. In the short term the disruption to the regular flow of tourist is horrendous and frustrating due to over-stretched facilities and predatory pricing.

So, you may ask, who will use the facilities between the four-yearly events? Firstly, the Olympics could become an annual or bi-annual event. But there is also a plethora of other international sporting events constantly looking for venues.  Here is a list of sports that hold world championships: World sports And what better place would there for holding a conference or convention that at the Olympic World Centre?

More on the permanent Olympic proposal can be read by clicking on these links:

International Business Times

Mother Nature Network

The Conversation

Washington Post

AUTHOR INTERVIEW

An interview with author Peter Blakeborough

What is your e-reading device of choice?

A Kindle while traveling. It takes up so little space and can hold such a lot of reading. At home I read on Kindle for PC. I just find it convenient when I spend so much of my time on the computer.

What book marketing techniques have been most effective for you?

When I had lots of print books for sale I took them direct to bookstores and libraries. The books really just sold themselves with no paid advertising. But I was fortunate to receive a lot of free publicity from newspaper, radio and television interviewers during my travels. Speaking at a variety of meetings about books also generated lots of sales.

Peter Blakeborough with some of his books

Describe your desk

Cluttered! Whoever said that a tidy desk indicates a tidy mind was probably talking about someone unemployed, or was running a business awaiting its first sale. At my desk I research books, write books, write blog posts, and sell books. Everything is at my fingertips, even if it is several layers down.

Where did you grow up, and how did this influence your writing?

I grew up in rural districts of New Zealand. On dairy farms a young person learns to be skilled at many different jobs while keeping in touch with nature. It was a wonderful way to grow up and it provided a good background for creating plots for novels. Later, I lived in cities and small towns, and that has enabled me to include both town and country scenes in my novels. Moving around New Zealand and researching has given me the background for producing The New Zealand Tour Commentary which continues to be a great seller in the tourism industry.

When did you first start writing?

At school I had a flair for storytelling. But that was a talent that later lay dormant for many years. I always wanted to write novels, but believed that first I needed a broad experience of life for the kind of novels I wanted to write. I did quite a lot of non-fiction writing; editing club newsletters, newspaper reports, that kind of thing. In 1966 I published my first non-fiction title, The Coinage of New Zealand and it sold 3,000 copies. After that I became the editor of a national monthly magazine for coin collectors. It wasn't until 1995 that I started writing my first historical novel, Nathaniel's Bloodline, a heart-wrenching story of Australia’s First Fleet convicts.

How has Smashwords contributed to your success?

Smashwords enables me to reach a wider world market with prices that print books cannot compete with. From an author’s point of view, the earnings are much better from eBooks; the author gets the biggest share of the earnings, instead of the smallest share as it is with print books. But eBooks are great for the readers too. The prices are more affordable and they can store thousands of books on a conveniently sized E-reading device without gathering dust. It’s the way to go, especially when travelling.

Peter Blakeborough in a Boeing simulator

What is the greatest joy of writing for you?

No single answer here. It gives me a wonderful feeling to review what I have written and I have to shock myself with the question, "Did I write that?" I still get a thrill when I pick up one of my books and thumb through the pages, pausing to read a passage or two. But the greatest joy with writing comes from the readers who come back for more books, and to tell me how much they enjoyed the books they already have.

What inspires you to get out of bed each day?

The need to put into a manuscript a scene that has formed in my mind in the early hours. I do my best writing in bed. I know other authors who plot and scheme when they should be sleeping. Throwing the covers off and racing to the computer at 4 a.m. is almost a writer’s addiction.

When you're not writing, how do you spend your time?

It's a busy life for someone who is supposed to be retired. I just love to travel. I like being with people, and taking them on coach tours is a great way to see happy people while beautiful scenery passes by. I'm a paid tourist. Many years ago I was a pilot and flew more than 50 aircraft types. Now I fly with a flight simulator which means that I can enjoy a private flight in a Boeing, Airbus or WWII fighter without breaking the bank. I have a motor-home and enjoy time away in that with my wife. We also go to country music events where I pretend to be Johnnie Cash or Merle Haggard. It's a busy retirement and I have no idea how I ever managed to work full-time.

Do you remember the first story you ever wrote?

That's a good question. I do remember being praised for excellent work at school, but I now have no recollection of the story itself. Whatever it was it must have been all lies.

How do you approach cover design?

It is said that a book should not be judged by its cover - but most people do just that, even if they don’t realize what they are doing. The cover can be the most important part of the book because it creates the first impression. The experts say that the cover should be designed by a professional and I'm sure they are right. But I mostly design my own covers, not because I'm good at design, but simply because I love to play around with different designs and styles. For me it's part of the challenge and when it's finished it is my book completely.

What do you read for pleasure?

My reading habits have long been wide ranging. I like history, technical subjects, travel, news and current affairs, biographies, politics, humour. About one in three books that I read will be fiction including historical fiction, romances, thrillers, crime and mysteries. I think novelists should keep a balance between fiction and non-fiction reading.

What are you working on next?

I often work on more than one book at a time. The New Zealand Tour Commentary is constantly being updated. It was previously sold as a print book only, but the new edition will be on Smashwords along with my other books. I am also working on another novel, as yet unnamed, which may be completed within the next year.

Who are your favourite authors?

Early on I read authors like Neville Shute and Ernest Ghan. More recently my favourites have been Bill Bryson, John Grisham, Ruth Rendell, Robert Ludlum, James Patterson, Maeve Binchy and Arthur Hailey.

For a complete list of books by this author go to: Books by Peter Blakeborough